My appearance and a massive breakdown

Yesterday was a tough day. I have never been so insecure about my own body. The fun thing is if you had never heard anybody shaming you for your size, you wouldn't have been so critical of yourself!

And that's the story of my life. I was fat (true story) since a little kid. I remember pictures of me and my brother, who is two years older, me - a fat face, and him being slim and tall. It hasn't changed much. Standing next to my brother I looked like a massive tomato, not an apple or pear (or whatever are the names of body shapes), I was a regular tomato - big and red. And acne (it went away after couple of years; but guess what - I have scars all over my face :))...

Anyway, it never bothered me until I was about 15(?) That's the time I went on a diet and lost about 10 kilos in 3 months or so. I was so comfortable with my own body that I even started to dress up like a girl! No jokes.

Then came high school. I pretty much kept my weight and my new friends were shocked when they found out how I used to look. I felt really proud of my new body. But, as the time passed, I gained a little and forgot all that fuss about being fit and slim... And my so-called friends would nag me about diets, excercise, my appearance, the fact that I don't wear make-up or dye my hair (which I am proud of actually). But it hurt inside, it still does. You do your best, you do what you are suppose to do when you are 16 - you learn. But this is not my friends were about to all the time. As we all wanted to be grown-up and 'cool', we really cared about how we looked and presented ourselves.

And I was the fat one. Or at least this is how I felt. I am obviously not the skinniest one around. Nor the fattest. But hearing all those comments makes you feel worthless. Even pressure from your parents telling you about your belly being floppy.

And then I hit the time when I met my boyfriend. As I said, I was always on the chubbier side but over the last year it became much worse. And I have heard thousand of comments and jokes abound my belly, big butt, thighs, muffin top (at least boobs have gone bigger, right? like that made it better...). Hearing every so often about your imperfections makes you really insecure so badly that you become to think about yourself as someone insignificant. You soak up all the negative comments and play it on repeat in your head - finally, you forget what you once believed. Now you have the one and only truth - you are fat!

And yes - this is what I say to myself. I am aware of how I look in everybody's eyes. It makes me feel terrible. But I didn't make any change in the way I live. It didn't motivate me to lose weight. It only made me smile less. So yes, good job you guys, you took away somebody's happiness away.

Lesson of the day - saying nasty things about other people not only doesn't make you happier, but it also (mainly) makes that specific person REALLY depressed. So even if you believe you are saying it in good intentions... well, try something else. If anybody dragged me to the gym or accompanied me in my excercises... Why the hell not?

My little 'blogger reunion', spare time and a little talk about what is going on in my life + cry time

It has been months since I posted aything here. And it is a shame because every blog of mine turns out to be a miss. I write a few times then I completely forget abouth the existence of my own blog.

However, nowadays I have much more spare time, less responsibilities (which really bugs me btw). So, since I am all by myself (do you sing along as you read it? I do! Shout out to C. Dion) I have decided to spend more time doing something useful - writing and reading.

I sat down to finally finish (or actually start) The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown which I bought 2 years ago(!)

Many things changed since March. I moved houses, finished my first year, painted my nails couple of times. Nothing major.
I still haven't seen my family yet. I moved to the UK over a year ago because I really wanted to study here and no matter if I get the offer or not I wanted to already be here. I moved right before my boyfriend's bithrday (sad) and then he joined me right before my birthday in September (yay!). I did get an offer from my dream uni, did pretty well with the exams and essays, the first year wasn't all bright and fab, but I (by I, I mean we) got throuth this and I (I mean we :)) am looking forward to the next academic year.

Went off-topic. I have seen my parents and brother in January/February - they visited us and stayed for a week (the shortest week of my life). I was to blessed that I could see them, but saying goodbye was heartbroking and after their visit I missed them more than ever! It made me cry for soooo long thinking that we have to live our lifes like this - living so far apart! But after all I am really thankful that I had the opportunity to see them anyway. It made me realise how selfish I was, not understanding the loneliness that my boyfriend is going through. As he is older and left everything behind him just so he could move in with me... Living in the UK means something different to him than it does to me. I came here to study, to live my life the way I always planned to do. For him - it is all about me, it has never been his intention to move here. I didn't even bond that well with people back home - I knew I would leave them any time soon, he didn't - the decision he made was so unexpected to his family, friends and even himself. And since he moved (September), he hasn't had a chance to see his family nor friends.

It makes me miserable just thinking about it. I was blessed and lucky and I wish I could bring his parents here, but I can't at the moment.

Woah, that was both long and exhausting. Really emotional. But I always remember to be smiling and be grateful for what I have in my life, because not everybody is as priviledged as I am. And even though I don't show it everyday - I have this feeling in my heart every moment!

I send my love and prayers to those who need it the most.

Clumsy is my middle name.

I officaly have a love-hate relationship with my oven.
Well, I decided to make an egg tart, because why not? And I got burnt. Twice. Two round, lovely and vibrant red blisters appear on my forearm. What an unpleasant pain, not being a wuss!
So I came to the conclusion that baking has its advantages and avantages.
To bake or not to bake?For:1, 2, 3, 19373) food!!!!
Against:1) first-degree burn

2) wastage (I always manage to have leftovers which are never to be used again :()

3) I always flop something on the floor when I try to turn it around in the oven (yay me)

As soon as I dig into my straight-out-of-the oven tart I will let you know what answer I've got for that. ;) 

P.S. I am salivating.

Who do you think you are?

I am thinking what should I do with my life. Not now. Where is my path unravelling to? Am I gonna end up being a shop assistant or a wife and mom or a famous one from the A-list? Ar all of them at once?
I wish I knew what is coming, what should I expect, what does the fate bring? I spend so much time being miserable about future, not past or present, but painting a picture in my head - picture of me and all the possibilities that may ever happen to me. Or may not. Even though I know this is wrong I can't stop myself.

Have you ever felt like your brain is in control, not you? There are moments when I get conscious and I say to myself: why am I doing that? Why do I terrorise myself with millions of thoughts?

Sometimes you don't want to be that yourself, sometimes you want to be THIS yourself.